The In-Laws

 

Being a life coach i often get to counsel my married clients, who struggle with the "In Law" dynamics.

"I love my husband, but I cannot stand my in laws, who treat me like an outsider". "My husband becomes a total stranger when he is around his parents". "No matter what I do, I can never be part of their family!" "I get compared to everyone and am never good enough!"

These are all true statements and genuine situation that people deal with. There is no quick fix to this situation without getting a better understanding and gaining a perspective on this issue.

Majority of my clients are ladies from South East Asia hence, this blog will be dedicated to their angle.

Most of the time, women are the ones who leave their homes and go to their husband's home after they are married. They are the ones expected to adapt to the new ways of life of a family they barely know. In some cases, their names are changed, and in some they take on their husband's last name. They give up practically everything in order to start this new alliance. They have met the man of their dreams and they are willing to forego anything for this man. However, from the man's perspective, nothing changes, except an addition of a life partner. For the man's family nothing changes, except that there is a new member in the family.

The Woman's perspective

Being brought up in a different household, with different values and practicing a different way of life, it gets challenging for her to suddenly adapt to this new lifestyle. She is focused on learning new ways, there might be things she questions or does not understand. There might be things that are against her values which she feels strongly and want to express, but doing so could cause difference in opinion with her new family. As she is trying to figure all this out, often times, she does not get the support she needs and slowly she starts building resentment, or start seeing themselves as a victim to this situation

The Man's perspective

The man, on the other hand, feels he has got a life partner to care of him and his family. He thinks, he has married this super awesome woman who can figure everything out. He doesn't take much time to acknowledge the differences she is dealing with and most times is not able to provide sufficient support as per her need. Sometimes the line of communication starts to break and he gets caught up between his family and his wife. He wants to keep both sides happy but doesn't understand how to maintain the balance.

The In Laws perspective

For the in laws, they are happy that their baby boy has finally settled down and they can relax, as he is going to be looked after.. During this course they do not acknowledge that maybe it is their baby boy who needs to look after this new member who has been uprooted from her home to this new way of life. The parent's fail to recognize that things have changed for their sons and his priorities might not be the same as before. They get upset or even jealous when they realize they might not be at the top of the Totem pole.

My Perspective

When I evaluate the situation, I don't think anyone is wrong, yet I think everyone is wrong. The entire In Laws dynamic is a big change for all parties and the only way this alliance will work is when all parties are willing to work with each other. There are successful families who have figured this out and share a beautiful bond and relationship. There are not so successful families who have failed to create this balance, and suffer through this relationship.

My Tips

Here are a few tips I would like to share with folks who are struggling to figure this dynamic.

Victim Mode: Do not ever feel you are a victim to this situation. Rather acknowledge what is going wrong and be the one to take action to fix it.

Detach from Situation: Sometimes it helps to remove your emotions from situation and try to understand it for what it is.

Questioning: Always ask these 4 questions when you start to disagree..

- What do you want to gain out of it ?

- Why is it important to you?

- Would it hurt to give in?

- Is there other solutions?

Communication: Understand communication is not a one way street. Be ready to express your points and also be open to hear the other person's perspective. Focus the conversation on the actual problem Vs how you feel.

Final Thoughts

Marriage involves more than just two people. It is a bond that requires a ton of team work between all family members. The family has to agree to play with each other and not against one another. So whatever role you are playing in the game of marriage, take time to understand each other, be a cheer leader and help each other obtain their goals. Take turns to compromise and take turns to celebrate your wins. Enjoy each other's company and also maintain your individuality. Don't make it about obligation, but more of participation!

Financial Planning as Important as Setting up a Career

 Growing up in Nepal, in  a middle class family amongst six girls, my only duty was to get good grades and learn household work.  I was always bothered by the question, what line of studies I wanted to pursue. Nothing particularly interested me, and often times I thought I might be a failure in life.  At that age, I probably did not even have a good understanding of what a "failure in life" meant. 

Today I work in the field of Information Technology, run my own small business and am parent to two beautiful girls. I do not view my life as a failure in terms of career, but there is still one thing that bothers me; and that is the lack of knowledge or involvement in financial planning. 

This is a topic I missed out in life, as my father managed all the finance and later on my husband managed it. I grew up with a mindset that finance was supposed to be managed by men. The topic bored me, and I just thought to myself that this was not my cup of tea. I was modeling after my mom; who too did not take any keen interest in finance as well.

When my dad passed away, it was a rude awakening for me as i never prepared myself for such a day. During that time I saw my mother struggle, she had no idea what his accounts looked like, she wasn't aware of what was left for her. Anybody in her shoes would have gone thru the same struggle; including me.  

 I realized that my father was a great financial planner. He had made sure that my mom would be taken care of for her entire life. He had made the right investments, and had the correct pension plans, and also made good estate planning. I also remember the few sacrifices he had made during his lifetime, so he could meet his goals to take care of his loved ones when  he departed.

 As I reflected on his life, I began to appreciate his ability to look forward to our future. Raising 6 girls and equipping them with education and ability to stand on our own two feet is not an easy task. Yet, he was able to do all of that flawlessly. I regret that I did not spend enough time with him to talk about his strategies. I am sure I would have been able to add value to some of my husband's financial decisions. 

Now as a parent of two girls, the importance of them understanding money management holds way more importance than just being defined by a career. I would not want them to model after me; hence I am trying my best to engage in our own financial planning. 

I am fortunate to have found Arushee Diivyakirti who helps in financial planning. Here is a short video of her sharing her passion to help people like me :)